Past Tournament News

Players and Coaches give back to community on day off

    By Steve Richardson, Associated Press
     NKEC, canning.,- With 6 days between games for Team Centreville at these International Floor Hockey Championships, Team Centreville put away the hockey sticks for a day, and picked up the books.
    At a recent Book Fair held at Glooscap Elementary School, located right next the the NKEC Sporting Complex, Team Centreville participated with the kids, and even helped read to a group of students. "This is great to see, reading is such a big part of learning that it's the least we could do to a community that has treated us so well while we've been here." said Team Centreville Center Wayne Gretzky.
    "It gives the kids an opportunity to see and chat with their favorite players, it's a great feeling to see the smile on their faces when you sit down to talk to them, and read them a book." Mike Murray said while he was reading a group of 8 year olds "Misery" by Stephen King.
    After a few autographs, and a few pictures, Team Centreville left for their hotel to enjoy their day off before they head back to the floor again for a early practice tomorrow morning to get ready for their next game tuesday against KCA. Contact your local satellite provider to order the game on TV.


Tests come back positive for Team KCA

    By Derek Shaw, Canning Daily News
     NKEC, canning.,- Team KCA provided some unneeded controversy for the International Floor Hockey Championships organizers, as early this morning a substance test, mandatory for all players to take before the tournament, showed that all 7 members of Team KCA had traces of someone else's sperm in their body. Ironically enough, the traces of sperm were of none other than the sperm of every other member on their team, meaning that every player on Team KCA would have had sexual relations with one another within the last 6 weeks.
    Spencer Welch showed he was the busiest of the bunch, as he had more than double the amount in him than any other member on the team, and half of the sperm in his body was belonging to Scott Mullen, they obviously enjoyed each others company very much over the training camp period.
    This brings new meaning to the expression "team chemistry" for Team KCA, and the players do not have any regrets for their actions. "This is me, and this is how I want to live my life, just because I enjoy a little tube steak after the practice shouldn't make me any less of a person, so just be nice!" said a sobbing Spencer Welch. "I don't agree with all the negative comments we've been getting over this, I mean, we're still in this tournament to win, even though we have a very poor team, we'll try our little bums off, and if we can't win, than we'll have a super time trying, so just cause the team enjoys smoking each others poles all the time shouldn't effect what people think of our play on the floor." said Todd MacLeod as he was whipping off what he called "mayonnaise" from teammate Dylan Harrison's sandwich from his mouth.
    The IFHC committee has chosen not to penalize any member of Team KCA , a angry spokesmen for the committee was commented as saying "This only makes them look even worse than they make themselves look on the floor."


Kendall Given Unconditional Walking Papers

By Steve Richardson, Associated Press
 NKEC,canning.,- The thrill of the 2-1 win over Team KCA was quickly turned to tears for Kendall today, as coach Shawn MacKenzie and G.M. Dale Schwartzkof handed him his unconditional release after the game.
    "We felt as an organization, we were headed in a direction that Kendall would not have contributed to." MacKenzie said after the game. "This is better for Kendall, he'll be able to work on his tan and do other things, we wish him all the best, and hope that he'll enjoy success in the future."
    Kendall could not be reached for comment.


Time Off May Be Key In Team Centrevilles Quest for Floor Hockey Gold

By Steve Richardson, Associated Press
 NKEC, canning.,- Many have their own opinions on a long lay off in between games at competitive tournament such as the International Floor Hockey Championships, but Team Centreville players and coaches feel it's a blessing in disguise.
    "We've had a number of injuries that have had time to heal over the 9 days, such as Muggah's enlarged colon, and this definitely helps our floor hockey club and it's chances at winning the gold medal." said Centreville's assistant coach Craig Wendell.
    Over the nearly week and a half, coach MacKenzie had the team on the court almost everyday, working on drills and trying to keep his club razor sharp over the time they were not playing. The team again had time to explore the beauty of Canning, and enjoyed the scenery on their free time.
    "Canning has some of the best strip clubs I've ever been to, Its unreal how you get treated over here when they know you're an out-of-towner, if you know what I mean! ;)" said Wayne Gretzky about the Canning night life.
    Team Centreville hopes to continue their dominance over the competition tomorrow afternoon as they lock up with Team Clippers, this game should prove to be Centrevilles toughest test of the tournament, if they bring their best effort, the game should be in Team Centrevilles favor, as Las Vegas has given the Clippers 1-9,565,254,264 odds to win.
    The game has already been sold out, so try to listen live on our radio broadcast to follow your favorite team.

Contraversial Ending Could Play Key Factor In Clipper - Centreville Match-up

By Kent Brockman, Springfield Daily News
 NKEC, canning.,- With one blow of the whistle in the Kentville vs KCA game, the Clippers would not have to be playing for their play-off lives against the powerful Team Centreville squad.
    A Team KCA loss would have vaulted Team Clippers into soul possession of second place in Division 1, and all but guarantee a trip into the play-off rounds, but with Team Kentville up by a goal when the time was supposedly up, the game was allowed to continue past the allowed 15 minutes, and Team KCA scored 2 unanswered goals to pick up the 6-5 victory.
    "This is a Fu(bleep)ing outrage, I don't give a flying Fu(bleep) if that co(bleep) suc(bleep)ing sh(bleep)head of a tournament president suspends me, we won the Fu(bleep)ing game, and it's Sh(bleep) like this that make me wonder if anyone knows what the Fu(bleep) their doing." said a less than happy James Ross. "And than you have the Bull Sh(bleep) calls against us, and wouldn't even let us Fu(bleep)ing try to tie it up, the game was over right when they scored their Fu(bleep)ing goal, that's horse sh(bleep)." he added.
    Ian Morrison was vividly angry as well, but failed to conduct himself with as much class as Mr.Ross did. "I very well do not agree with the call the official presented to us in this match, I feel we were not treated in a very fair manner."  said a very explosive Morrison.
    Team Kentville suffered another blow, as IFHLC president Kenneth Cole handed Ian Morrison a 1 game suspension after a high stick to Team KCA"s Scott Mullen. While Morrison wouldn't comment on the issue, James Ross was asked if he was angry at the decision to suspend his gritty teammate. "Am I hot?, you're damn right I'm hot , I'm tired of getting this fu(bleep) sh(bleep) fed to us."
    Team Centreville can now have a chance at all but eliminate Team Clippers from the play-offs, pending a KCA win in their next game.
    I'm Kent Brockman, and this has been my 2 Cents.


Teachers Show Signs of feeling Pressure of Team Centreville's success

By Murphy Brown, FYI News
NKEC, canning.,- With the wins piling up on Team Centreville's record, the Teachers feel their fixed tournament plans going up in smoke.
    Canning police released information that they have credible evidence that several members of Team Teachers tried to sabotage Team Centreville's athletes village where the team stays for the Floor Hockey Championships. After finding land mines set up, windows smashed, team porn stolen, and the emergence of poisonous snakes in the village, reports say that it was a direct result of foul play, and the evidence pointed out Team Teachers as the guilty. When asked about the acts, Team Teachers member (we'll call D.Sandford) had this to say. "We tried our very best to rig the tournament so we could get the gold medal, and now that we know that Team Centreville is so much better than us, we had to do something, and this is what we came up with, it was this or complain about Murray's gear, which I really shouldn't do, because if he doesn't use it I won't have an excuse for not scoring any goals against them." The player in question continued in saying "By putting us in a division with a kids that come up to our waist, we felt we had a chance at actually looking like a team that can win, now I know we're not fooling anyone."
    The Teachers were also convicted of arranging many late night phone calls to their hotels to wake Team Centreville on nights of their games, none of Team Centreville would comment on the incidents, but said that the teachers have a tiger by the tale right now, and if the teachers are lucky enough to get through the cross-overs, they'll be punished in the championship game. I'm Murphy Brown on location for FYI news.


Team Centreville Summons "The Fish" for Goaltending Help

By Steve Richardson, Associated Press
NKEC, canning.,- With the play-offs already clinched for Team Centreville, and goaltender Mike Murray carrying a huge work load, coach Shawn MacKenzie felt the need to rest his star backstop, and his search for a some goaltending insurance ended at the ocean as Team Centreville called upon one of the legends in the deep sea league in Catfish Meaden.
    "This deal makes us confident that we can rest the Murr-inator and still be capable of winning the game, Catfish has some of the best whiskers in the sea, and that should help him in the net, even at this competitive level he's capable of winning a game just because he has such beautiful whiskers." said MacKenzie.
    I later got a hold of the man himself by phone as he was making his way up the coast to Canning.
    "I'm very excited to get the opportunity to play in this tournament, and being born and raised in the Cornwallis River, it'll be nice to be able to come home and visit some family and play in front of the home town, it should be great."
    Team Centrevilles perfect record rests purely on his gills, and he should be up to the task, as they play Team Kentville, a team more interested in seeing how they look in drag, than in trying to win games at this elite championship tournament.


Lemieux Gives Back on Day Off
By Severétiê Gõtikë, Canning Journal
NKEC,canning.,- Mario Lemieux could have taken it easy when coach Shawn Mackenze gave him the day off during the game against Team Kentville, but he thought otherwise.
    Shown above with town with President & C.E.O Daniel Kyle, he was outside the World Canning Center and donated to canning their very first traffic light, the town than promptly named the new street light "Mario Lemieux"
    "It's great for the community, and it let me get out and talk to the people of canning, this street light will hopefully boost the spirits of the people, and give them something to talk about for years to come." said Lemieux.
    MacKenzie also gave Wayne Gretzky the day off, and Mike Murray the game off in goal, but due to his contract that states me must be in every game in the tournament in order to be able to recieve his 1.2 million dollar bonus and get unlimited porno rentals at the local "Pull and View."


Atmosphere buzzing in C-ville

By Peter Mansbridge, CBC news
NKEC, canning., -If you were to walk down Sherman Belcher Road or highway 359, you'll notice that all the windows in the stores have signs hanging from them or something painted on the window. Each of these signs or paintings seem to have one thing in common, they all are supporting the Team Centreville floor hockey squad. Other festivities are set up at Centreville Park like a fan fare, dances, concert's and tailgate parties. All of this has been going on since Friday afternoon and it's making it a week long party in the town of just under 1000 in population. "It's been crazy, I don't even know if it was this crazy back in 84, everybody is excited for this, you can't meet up with anybody that isn't wearing team Centreville paraphernalia" said an excited Centreville mayor, Diamond Joe Quimby. "I can't believe how the fans have reacted to our success", said Nic Brewster who hails from downtown, "everybody is really behind us, the parties have been great, it's one of the best weeks ever".  As you see, everybody is really enjoying themselves. I think if Centreville were to come up with a win on Thursday then the people would probably declare is an annual holiday, it's that big.
    Thursday afternoon will mark the first time since 1984 that Centreville iced a team good enough to make it to the final. That year Centreville lost to a tough Habitat squad 4-3 in sudden death overtime. After that loss Centreville put together a rather weak part of the decade and only making the playoffs once in their next 6 seasons. The 90's weren't much better as the low budget team wasn't getting much better and only made it to the playoffs 3 times in the decade. The team did come close to making the final in 95 before they lost to their bitter rivals, Team Clippers in the semi final. Last Thursday afternoon really brought a lot of people in the community together after they beat Team Clippers, who are definitely among the most hated people along with KCA's Scott Mullen. "It really made everybody happy that we beat those bunch of whiners that Team Clippers has, we really had a lot to prove", said an elated Centreville goalie Mike Murray. Murray also stated "it was also a good personal revenge win for a lot of the players by beating Andrew Meaden and Nick Ansems". Meaden, who hails from the East Side of Centreville and is twin brothers with Centreville power forward Scott Meaden, turned his back on his town and joined a team that he thought was better in team Clippers, it was a trick that Centreville fans will never let Meaden forget. As for Ansems, Murray just wanted to see him lose and enjoy watching him sulk and hang his head around the school for an entire week. "That guy is a joke, I have beat on him for years, I also enjoy watching him take fits after we beat them time and time again", said the animated Murray after asked why he brought Ansems into the Meaden statement. Brant Barnett, who laid several bone crushing hits in last Thursdays win is really glad that he was picked up by Centreville. "I knew when Mr.Schwartzkof approached me to come play for them in the summer that they would have a good team this year, they've had a bad record in the past but this year's team has been with each other for a couple years and it's only a matter of time before they would gel, I just felt like I would be a perfect fit to their system". Barnett is another elated player that is set for the final, "It's going to be the biggest game I've ever played in, that's for sure. Last week was big but that's in the past and The Clippers are golfing now, we just have one goal left to achieve, and that's bring the Gold Medal to Centreville".
    Everybody is excited, and it's going to be huge if Centreville can win their first ever Championship Thursday afternoon.